Apple Exclusive

On a recent fact-finding trip to Binh Hoa, an Export Processing Zone to the east of Vietnam’s Ho Chi Minh City, I managed to pick up two very interesting things.

The first was some kind of tropical ear fungus whose gunky black spores rendered me deaf in one ear until I had them sucked out by an Ear Nose and Throat specialist just this week.

The second, which I’m sure will be of much more interest to the world, is what looks very much like an early prototype of Apple’s new product line, tentatively called (by me) the iLight.

Before we look closer, I just want to say to those who doubt the product’s authenticity- well if it’s not real, how come I’ve got photos of it? And don’t say Photoshop, because I don’t know how to use it.

Apologies in advance for the slightly blurry nature of some of the pictures- I took them on an iPhone 4 which, let’s face it, has a rubbish camera.

Remember, this is a makeyourselfuncomfortable.net worldwide exclusive.

And here it is, folks- the Apple iLight:

IMG_0460

At first glance, it may appear to be startlingly similar to any other product in its class. On closer inspection, it is clear that Apple are poised to disrupt and dominate yet another market in their unceasing quest to make Bill Gates finally admit that, despite his billions, he is still an epic fail at everything.

At approximately (I couldn’t find a ruler) 2.5 inches long and half an inch wide, it is about comparable with other disposable lighters.

It has a slightly rounded body: a bit like a Bic, only much, much sexier.

A closer look at the front reveals some very exciting characteristics. Firstly, Apple are surprisingly making a break from iOS7’s Helvetica Neue Ultra Light font with the iLight, plumping for something that looks a bit like Silom but isn’t.

 Second, they have decided to change their 2013 mission statement to the frankly incomprehensible

 THE INTRINSIC IMPLICATION CHARACTER OF “BRIEFNESS” CAN GIVE BIRTH TO WISDOM

which suggests either someone at Cupertino is benefiting from a medical marijuana prescription or the subcontractor in Vietnam has had an awkward accident with google translate.

Turning to the side, it becomes clear that Apple’s unceasing obsession with thinness has hit the brick wall of function; lighter fluid can only be compressed so far using current technology. But if Moore’s law also applies to combustible liquids, we can expect to see the iLight growing thinner and thinner in the coming months. A bit like Carol Carpenter did, before she died.

 Flipping it over, we get this:

It’s not clear from the prototype whether this is just an advert or will be a fully-functioning micro iPad 2 for the ultra small-fingered: pixies and intelligent mice and the like. If it is the latter, one must seriously question whether such users will also have the manual strength to use the iLight for its main function- setting fire to things.

Certainly, most regular users will struggle to do anything truly constructive with such a small iPad. So not that much different from any other tablet, really.

 The base of the iLight betrays all the worst characteristics of Apple, I’m afraid:

No refill port and therefore no opportunity for end-user expansion means that people who buy this will be strictly limited to the amount of gas originally supplied by Apple.

Like most other lighter manufacturers, Apple have opted for a metal-finish flame guard and little wheel that can adjust the flame to burn things of various sizes, right from those More cigarettes up to and including Camberwell Carrots. It’s a nice touch, but will Apple truly set the world alight this time?

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