Apple Update Exclusive- ‘S’ is for Sex, Sexy Sexiness, Sizzling Sexuality, Sunshine Breaks and any other keywords likely to improve this post’s google ranking

Another Apple exclusive here at makeyourselfuncomfortable.net, with the news that Apple have quietly updated their Vietnam-specific lighter, the iLight, to an S version that now runs on OS X gas.

It comes in at the same price as the previous version, which is probably about half what the street seller is actually asking you for if you’re on holiday.

The iLight S now offers a more integrated experience in setting things on fire with the opportunity to create an iCloud of smoke. You could even join with other iLight users, adding to their iClouds of smoke by burning down bigger things, such former schools, places of employment and even an ex-partner’s home. If you do find yourself drawn to this sort of thing, depending on whether you have some petrol with you, burn speeds are impressive. Be prepared for high volumes of iCloud smoke, however. And an appearance in court.

Most casual users will find little use for this new service, being mainly interested in lighting cigarettes and recreational drugs.

While the OSX update does bring the lighter- finally!- into line with the rest of the Apple ecosystem, there are a few surprises which will raise eyebrows and, no doubt, Apple’s shareprice.

Apple has finally revealed that ‘S’ can only stand for one thing. That one thing is, of course, ‘Sex’.

Or ‘spunk’.

S is for ‘sex’ [or possibly ‘spunk’ as some Apple acolytes insist] and Apple are saying here that they are up for anything. Even DP fisting and watersports.

The lighter still runs on a gas base with OS X, which can only now stand for ‘Oral Sex’, sitting on top and telling you to lick. With a kiss as an afterthought.

What makes it even more surprising is that it comes with default sexy lady wallpaper- a striking departure for gay designer Jonathan Ives, one might think:

ipo

But closer inspection reveals Apple’s hallmark understanding of shapely curves. And gives you something to wank over if you’re desperate for material.

In terms of hardware, the iLight S features some improvements on the original model; the flame can be turned down much lower than its predecessor, making it the lighter of choice for meth and heroin users who are somehow keeping it together. EU limitations on minimum lighter flame are currently being sought however and may be included in a future update.

In short, buy it because I got given a free one on the understanding my review would be positive.

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