Arse Burned

Just got in from Warwick hospital.

Had chronic hangover beer shits all day yesterday & in the middle of the night had another explosive panic incident.

I use Andrex moist wipes for a clean, fresh arsehole however due to exhaustion & dehydration I accidentally picked up Domestos toilet wipes & used several sheets before realising my error.

My arse & scotum were on fire! It got real bad.

Had an ambulance pick me up at 5AM.

The potent disinfectant burned through the soft flesh & the anal sphincter dried out, cracked & split open.

My scrotum has blown up like a beefsteak tomato.

I’ve spent several hours in double traction, legs up in the air, bollock naked.

I’ve had at least 20 strangers, doctors & specialists examine my private parts. 

Third degree chemical burns to the anus.

The skin in the crease is terribly burned.

I’ve opiate medicated lotion to apply every hour & a large donut so I can sit.

They’ve given me oramorph for the pain.

The nurse is coming later to examine the burns. Clean & dress.

I’m fucked for the next month.

My arse & balls are so sore.

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3 Comments

  1. Please tell me it ain’t true – I wouldn’t want to have laughed so much at someone else’s misfortune!

    Easily done though, I’m sure – a bit like confusing sandpaper and loo paper…

    • I had to check this one out with him. The level of detail was convincing. But it’s a joke. He imagines Victor Meldrew doing this

      • I know! I had a msg informing me of such from NSF (thanks!) The level of description was fantastic though, which makes it sound all the more real!

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