I was waiting to cross the road when this 30 stone fat bastard on a mobility scooter thoughtlessly glanced my testicles with the invalids handlebars.
I knew immediately I had been struck, however there was a ten second delay before the testes informed my pain centre exactly what had occurred.
Shock & disbelief.
The agony was excruciating, like my stomach was being drawn out through my arse & bell end with ultra fast velocity. A pain that repeated endlessly.
I wailed & moaned in desperate agony. Weeping like a baby. Collapsing to the ground resembling a sack of fat sweaty shite, rolling side to side writhing in white hot pains.
A witness removed my trousers & underpants to inspect the injury. Unfortunately I was in the process of shitting & pissing myself on their removal due to the torments..
I lay by the side of the road in the town centre, legs being held aloft, whilst a kindly elderly Chinese foreigner cradled my balls & photographed them for evidence using a 4K UHD smart phone.
My balls were uploaded to Facebook live in order to try for immediate assistance. Swollen, torn black & blue.
Humiliation didn’t cross my mind.
Yes many laughed. I witnessed young children & girls in tears having fits at the horrific sight of middle aged ruptured nuts & a very small shrivelled penis.
Only a few had any compassion with their Wow faces. Most were laughing or giving it the thumbs up.
I guess a man having his bollocks struck in the most sorry agonising manner is amusing .
My suffering will be on the world wide weight for eternity.
The Police & ambulance attended & whisked me to hospital.
Ive been transferred to the pain management department at the Queen Elizabeth Hospital.
I’m told my balls are in the best hands.
A man having his testicles smashed & cradled by an elderly giggling Chinese may save the World.
Kim Jong Un hopefully will read it & change his menacing ways & become a flower wearing pot smokin’ peace lovin’ hippy.
My tales of shattered balls could save us all.
I forgot to ask, what are your plans following Armageddon?
Im considering going on a looting spree at the bank.
Im going to make a multi coloured coat made of £20’s & £50’s.
Paint myself white to deflect the blast.
How’s about living in an igloo in the Antarctic.
Id imagine we’ll all be a little red faced following the white light so as long as we wrap up, dig a hole we’ll be OK.
Nighttime lows of -75 Celsius. 150MPH winds blowing almost absolute zero.
I can picture it now. No TV. No internet. No company. No medicine.
Apart from the bears waiting to tear us limb from limb it sound lovely.
I say Donald, Kim “Push that big red button” & lets just get on with it.
I plan to disengage from imposed fears of nuclear holocaust by watching BBC’s Threads (1984), masturbating throughout: