Colours, Man

Spotted in Vietnam. Check out the colours, man… — “Hey gang- yes it’s me, TV’s Noel Edmonds. I’ve been busy writing a book about cosmic ordering and numbers or something in time for the Christmas market. But let’s face it, […]

Big Gay Cousin

1998, The Midlands, England. I cracked open a can of Stella and swigged from it, staring out the train window at the rapidly darkening landscape that rushed past. As I swallowed the tangy liquid I tried to empty my mind […]


(written c. 1997) So we’ve cribbed a solution and cheated on tests but all the chaos and confusion makes more sense when we’re messed And when the conclusion that heaven’s just chemistry is confirmed, the solution is clubbing and necking […]

Christmas Gin 4

(In which I nearly conclude this sorry tale- Part One is here) I was poking around at my fried eggs and wondering why the fuck Thai people never cook them properly and have they ever heard of salmonella and why […]

Christmas Gin 1

Christmas 2014, and to those who may accuse me of being repetitive with my choice of Thailand yet again as a holiday destination, I say this: you try living in the Middle East and see what vacations you fancy after […]

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Drowned in Brown

Early snippet from my new book, currently a work in progress. Darker than the first (available here for a frankly bargain price) but, I hope, funnier too. There won’t be cartoons this time, just words. Lots of them. — “Bang it on […]

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The Housewarming

Another swinging London house party, and this time it was actually a housewarming. The doors were opened wide to the South London party people, causing great excitement. I necked several pills in celebration, which made me go all wobbly. After […]

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Miss Harms Mishaps

I am Number Six  If I had thought returning to the UK from just a few months of dossing round Thailand would be straightforward, I was very much mistaken. Once the UK spits you out like a lump of gristle […]

Breaking Bad

I had a similar issue after watching 90s film Trainspotting. And I have to say that Platform 12 at Bristol Templemeads is a DISGRACE!

Teardrop Explodes

April 2002, and a bullet list of where I was at, was – Bath – Staying temporarily in my sister’s spare room – Jobless – Nearly broke, having spent almost all my savings on a six month doss around Thailand. […]

Big John

September, 2014. I fly into Surat Thani from Bangkok on one of those cheap ass airlines, whose Health & Safety booklet’s exhortations to do mild exercises in the sky to avoid deep vein thrombosis are nothing more than a legal […]