Arse Wipe Review

This is, of course, Nocturnal Sex Fiend’s review of Domestos Toilet Wipes which he unfortunately reached for rather than the Andrex wet wipes he was foolishly storing next to them. The harrowing details are here. (For those outside the UK, […]

Live Forever

Freddie Mercury once rather bombastically bellowed the question, “Who wants to live forever?” (it was in that 80s movie Highlander.) Well, ME for one! – provided I was 10 years younger than I am now and then could just leave […]

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No Beer For Jon

Originally scripted by Samuel Beckett in 1971 for BBC2’s programme about the arts, ‘The Arts Programme’, ‘No Beer for Jon’ is an existentialist absurdist drama which turns the whole idea of white patriarchical imperialist misogyny on its head then tears […]


As my name was just given to me by my parents (without consulting ME, I might hasten to ADD) and therefore imposed on me by Patriarchy and that, I refuse to answer to my own name any more. I’m currently […]

Starship Poopers

For those who have yet to find a use for the slo-mo function on their iPhone: From the right kind of angle, a bowel movement can be quite epic. Combined with an orchestral soundtrack, it’s a lot like Kubrick’s 2001 […]

Between Myselves

I wish my evening and morning selves could agree on who does the tidying up as neither wants to. My current night self is thinking “Why should I?” even though it’s the one who made the mess. No wonder my […]

Value Your Kids

People around me talking about how much they value their kids. It’s nice to hear but all a bit nebulous- how can one ever really know exactly how much worth their children have? Well, I for one sold mine to […]

$7000 a Month

I make $7000 a month working just two hours a week from home.   This gives me plenty of time to indulge in my one true passion: spamming message boards to tell everyone about my awesome good fortune.

Shredded Wheat

As I said before, I don’t have much to say that is sage-like. Therefore I’m just going through the other herbs in that Simon and Garfunkel song. Parsley was first, then I’ve skipped out Sage entirely so we’re up to Rosemary […]


As I explained before, I am not a sage. Truly it’s a miracle I’m not dead or mad considering the crazy banquet life threw at my head. Regardless, I have worked out a few things which make sense to me. […]

Smelly Pub Whore

It had been 5 years or more since I last had intercourse. I’m a desperate man. I’d become tired of watching online porn & made the decision I need some real pussy before I lose the use of my bits […]

Arse Burned

Just got in from Warwick hospital. Had chronic hangover beer shits all day yesterday & in the middle of the night had another explosive panic incident. I use Andrex moist wipes for a clean, fresh arsehole however due to exhaustion […]

King of Swing

Swing Club in Bangkok is as underground as a night club can be without actually being under the ground. It never advertises or promotes itself and has no desire or need to. You can find it listed as a night […]

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Rogue-like Shopping

For a ‘rogue-like’ shopping experience, drink large quantities of cider before starting the trip. Once beaten, ‘expert mode’ can be unlocked by forgetting the shopping list and what was on it and simply staggering to the exit with what you […]