This is, of course, Nocturnal Sex Fiend’s review of Domestos Toilet Wipes which he unfortunately reached for rather than the Andrex wet wipes he was foolishly storing next to them. The harrowing details are here. (For those outside the UK, […]
UK Election: If only Mo Mowlam had been born ‘Mo Fowlam’, her tabloid name would have been ‘Mo Fo’. She probably wouldn’t even be dead in that reality- she’d be Prime Minister. Her campaign slogan could have been “Mo Fo, […]
I was waiting to cross the road when this 30 stone fat bastard on a mobility scooter thoughtlessly glanced my testicles with the invalids handlebars. I knew immediately I had been struck, however there was a ten second delay before […]
People reckon Ed Balls because he’s named after two parts of the human anatomy. Big deal. Tony Heart had three and Tony Hancock went right up to four.
I’ve been on a broad range of antibiotics via drips for days & something’s happening. The itching has become unbearable. I’m told that my crease & anus is healing & itching is a good thing but I just want to […]
It’s been a good few weeks of misery. Due to the unfortunate area of the burns, my whole arse, scrotum & now inevitably penis have succumbed to infection. I’m back in double traction at the QE Hospital. The pain is […]
1998, The Midlands, England. I cracked open a can of Stella and swigged from it, staring out the train window at the rapidly darkening landscape that rushed past. As I swallowed the tangy liquid I tried to empty my mind […]
I not so recently made an epic non-stop (except for a 45 minute wait at Birmingham) National Express Coaches tour*, exploring a substantial portion of the motorway network and even down to Victoria Station in London. The purpose of this […]
Nocturnal Sex Fiend writes: Just thrown up. Beer & wine just don’t mix. I had 10-15 pints of lager as it was only £1.80 a pint & had 1 glass of warm house red due to being inebriated. Within minutes […]
How We Used to Xmas Shockingly, this was Christmas 2003. Since then, I have long-since left the UK, HMV have gone bankrupt and the Cheeky Girls are now residing in the ‘where are they now?’ file. Simon Cowell, on the […]
But I think the best gig I ever got was when I used to entertain a fair few people (the rest would just get irritated) as the mascot for Stratford Upon Avon’s local radio station The Bear102FM (I would love […]
Aside from being sexually harassed at the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister, I was starting to be harassed by my housemate, Redgate72, in Noughties Fulham Broadway. A large aspect of him offering me lodging was the fact he wouldn’t […]
Back when there was an Office of the Deputy Prime Minister in the UK, the actual Deputy Prime Minister was a fat turd of a man called John Prescott, an old-school ex-trade union blowhard there to provide a figleaf of […]
Although I would later claim- quite falsely- that I left the UK as a protest about the Iraq invasion, the truth is rather more prosaic. I was in London at the time and Iiving in Fulham with Redgate72 or, as […]
Pictured: the UK Foreign Orifice ‘Boris’ Johnson aka ‘BoJo’ because ‘BJ’ would just be TOO telling. Sorry, world!
Actually, my heart isn’t in being funny at all at the moment. My brother-in-law (okay, now ex BIL) is recovering from a brain tumour, so I’m concerned for my family. I’m also concerned at how disgustingly shameless the press weasels […]