Each Day a Gift

Each day is a gift- that’s why they call it ‘the present’. Okay, a lot of these ‘presents’ may be gloomy, hopeless and unwanted. Good luck in exchanging them without a receipt! It involves parallel timelines. The Grandfather Paradox. The […]

My Old Man

Music Hall was once a popular and traditional form of entertainment for the British masses. As the name suggests, music was involved- generally novelty songs with a risque twist. ‘When I’m Cleaning Windows’, far from a cheeky ditty for ukelele, […]

Swan, Swan, Hummingburp

When choosing xmas dinner: I bet swan tastes LOVELY yet that greedy cow The Queen gets to eat it ALL (except for those illegally poached by riverside immigrants)

Teresa Won’t

When oh when will the U.K’s Conservative Party rename Theresa May to “Theresa Wasn’t-Able II”? The Queen could then bottle her as she gets slipped off into the Thames or hopefully somewhere more inclement. It might win back some hardy […]

Nocturnal Sex Fiend

(RON:) Regular readers may be wondering where Nocturnal Sex Fiend has gone and why we haven’t heard from him in a while. Well, for one he fucks up my formatting and for two he hasn’t gone anywhere except even more […]

Pudsey

Here’s a joke for yer…   Why does Pudsey the Bear have an eye patch? Because Jimmy Saville spunked so hard in his face it both blinded and disfigured one eyeball forever.

Finally, David Icke

If you managed to fit EVERYONE in the WHOLE WORLD on the Isle of Wight (source: Collins Encyclopedia, 1968). THEN, FINALLY resident David Icke would get the worldwide audience he so richly deserves.

Arse Wipe Review

This is, of course, Nocturnal Sex Fiend’s review of Domestos Toilet Wipes which he unfortunately reached for rather than the Andrex wet wipes he was foolishly storing next to them. The harrowing details are here. (For those outside the UK, […]

Mo Fo

UK Election: If only Mo Mowlam had been born ‘Mo Fowlam’, her tabloid name would have been ‘Mo Fo’. She probably wouldn’t even be dead in that reality- she’d be Prime Minister. Her campaign slogan could have been “Mo Fo, […]

Balls Hell that Ends Bell

I was waiting to cross the road when this 30 stone fat bastard on a mobility scooter thoughtlessly glanced my testicles with the invalids handlebars. I knew immediately I had been struck, however there was a ten second delay before […]

Ed Balls

People reckon Ed Balls because he’s named after two parts of the human anatomy. Big deal. Tony Heart had three and Tony Hancock went right up to four.

Update. Arse

I’ve been on a broad range of antibiotics via drips for days & something’s happening. The itching has become unbearable. I’m told that my crease & anus is healing & itching is a good thing but I just want to […]

re Arse

It’s been a good few weeks of misery. Due to the unfortunate area of the burns, my whole arse, scrotum & now inevitably penis have succumbed to infection. I’m back in double traction at the QE Hospital. The pain is […]

Smelly Pub Whore

It had been 5 years or more since I last had intercourse. I’m a desperate man. I’d become tired of watching online porn & made the decision I need some real pussy before I lose the use of my bits […]

Big Gay Cousin

1998, The Midlands, England. I cracked open a can of Stella and swigged from it, staring out the train window at the rapidly darkening landscape that rushed past. As I swallowed the tangy liquid I tried to empty my mind […]

National Express Anthumb

I not so recently made an epic non-stop (except for a 45 minute wait at Birmingham) National Express Coaches tour*, exploring a substantial portion of the motorway network and even down to Victoria Station in London. The purpose of this […]

Duck My Sick

Nocturnal Sex Fiend writes: Just thrown up. Beer & wine just don’t mix. I had 10-15 pints of lager as it was only £1.80 a pint & had 1 glass of warm house red due to being inebriated. Within minutes […]