Arse Wipe Review

This is, of course, Nocturnal Sex Fiend’s review of Domestos Toilet Wipes which he unfortunately reached for rather than the Andrex wet wipes he was foolishly storing next to them. The harrowing details are here. (For those outside the UK, […]

Mo Fo

UK Election: If only Mo Mowlam had been born ‘Mo Fowlam’, her tabloid name would have been ‘Mo Fo’. She probably wouldn’t even be dead in that reality- she’d be Prime Minister. Her campaign slogan could have been “Mo Fo, […]

Balls Hell that Ends Bell

I was waiting to cross the road when this 30 stone fat bastard on a mobility scooter thoughtlessly glanced my testicles with the invalids handlebars. I knew immediately I had been struck, however there was a ten second delay before […]

Ed Balls

People reckon Ed Balls because he’s named after two parts of the human anatomy. Big deal. Tony Heart had three and Tony Hancock went right up to four.

Update. Arse

I’ve been on a broad range of antibiotics via drips for days & something’s happening. The itching has become unbearable. I’m told that my crease & anus is healing & itching is a good thing but I just want to […]

re Arse

It’s been a good few weeks of misery. Due to the unfortunate area of the burns, my whole arse, scrotum & now inevitably penis have succumbed to infection. I’m back in double traction at the QE Hospital. The pain is […]

Smelly Pub Whore

It had been 5 years or more since I last had intercourse. I’m a desperate man. I’d become tired of watching online porn & made the decision I need some real pussy before I lose the use of my bits […]

Big Gay Cousin

1998, The Midlands, England. I cracked open a can of Stella and swigged from it, staring out the train window at the rapidly darkening landscape that rushed past. As I swallowed the tangy liquid I tried to empty my mind […]

National Express Anthumb

I not so recently made an epic non-stop (except for a 45 minute wait at Birmingham) National Express Coaches tour*, exploring a substantial portion of the motorway network and even down to Victoria Station in London. The purpose of this […]

Duck My Sick

Nocturnal Sex Fiend writes: Just thrown up. Beer & wine just don’t mix. I had 10-15 pints of lager as it was only £1.80 a pint & had 1 glass of warm house red due to being inebriated. Within minutes […]

Touch My Bum

How We Used to Xmas Shockingly, this was Christmas 2003. Since then, I have long-since left the UK, HMV have gone bankrupt and the Cheeky Girls are now residing in the ‘where are they now?’ file. Simon Cowell, on the […]

Three Cheers for Dear Bear

But I think the best gig I ever got was when I used to entertain a fair few people (the rest would just get irritated) as the mascot for Stratford Upon Avon’s local radio station The Bear102FM (I would love […]

Red Leicester

Although I am now Somewhere in the Tropics, I previously lived in many places in the cold and damp U.K. Oh yes. I went up and down the A1(M). And so it was that I ended up doing a midnight […]

Redgate72

Aside from being sexually harassed at the Office of the Deputy Prime Minister, I was starting to be harassed by my housemate, Redgate72, in Noughties Fulham Broadway. A large aspect of him offering me lodging was the fact he wouldn’t […]

Near the Levers of Power

Back when there was an Office of the Deputy Prime Minister in the UK, the actual Deputy Prime Minister was a fat turd of a man called John Prescott, an old-school ex-trade union blowhard there to provide a figleaf of […]

Merchants of Death

Although I would later claim- quite falsely- that I left the UK as a protest about the Iraq invasion, the truth is rather more prosaic. I was in London at the time and Iiving in Fulham with Redgate72 or, as […]

Not Being Funny But

Actually, my heart isn’t in being funny at all at the moment. My brother-in-law (okay, now ex BIL) is recovering from a brain tumour, so I’m concerned for my family. I’m also concerned at how disgustingly shameless the press weasels […]