Deep Anal Secrets

With so much adult entertainment out there these days, it’s often hard to know where to begin, although where to end is as obvious as it is hollow, empty and crushingly soul-destroying.

My pick of the month is long-running and award-winning series ‘Deep Anal Secrets’ because, not only are they very wanky, they are also very hanky (filling).

The films, by much-beloved gentleman pornographer Crusty Pusbuckets, are very much in the thriller genre for the viewer who loves to watch a gripping tale of mystery and suspense. And lots of bumfucking.

They’re now up to the fifteenth in the series and there’s always a different twist in each one, right from the first’s now rather pedestrian bum-tit-tit-bum-tit-tit waltzing to its more recent and controversial incarnation where the ‘bum’ in question is a homeless veteran getting fucked over by the system in which they once had believed.

Despite all that, Deep Anal Secrets doesn’t have an explicit story arc that needs following throughout the series as such, so don’t worry about making sure you see them all in order. There is, however, a thematic connection, of course.

[If your IQ is above 100 please skip to the next paragraph now. Ok. Bye.] (Duh, it’s BUTT FUCKING)

The series willfully eschews many of the traditional and, arguably, heteronormative and oppressive elements endemic to mainstream movies- like plot, characters and character development, and dialogue. And that.

In fact there’s not much talking at all in this veteran series. There’s typically a very small amount of chit-chat near the start then after that it’s pretty much a bunch of grunting and shrieking.

If this sounds a lot like Kubrick’s stately 2001: A Space Odyssey in reverse, you’d be right. Up to a point.

There’s also some really rather extreme close-ups of gaping anuses, which may make you want to either invest in a giant HDTV or get rid of your existing one.

You’d think by the fifteenth in the series that the producers would have long since run out of anal secrets worth spilling. You’d be dead wrong however and really rather stupid.

Yes, the traditional visual motifs still abound. There are things going in and things coming out.

And then going in again and coming out again.

And going in again and coming out again.

And then in again and out again and then slowly worked in again and out again with a slurp like a welly being pulled from a marsh.

We asked Producer Crusty Pusbuckets about his work.

He was frank and forthcoming in a rather harrowing fashion. Sensitive readers may wish to close the tab before reading any further.

“In #1 it was partially-digested sweet corn; in #2 we had some kind of rectal prolapse like an angry red bum penis; then in #3 it’s right at the end that the viewer realises that the ‘bum’ that had him vigorously hunched over was actually the HOMELESS kind of ‘bum’- a vagrant alcoholic with disgraceful hygiene, mental issues and all sick stains down them.

“In #4 we had a bigger budget and planned for the anal secret to be a dancing girl jumping from a huge cake. But then somebody pointed out that anuses are quite tiny and delicate and a terrible place to stage a girl and huge fake cake.

So during filming, we decided just to make the anal ‘secret’ a small fart instead. Keeping it tense, it was a silent one.


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