Eat Shit & Diet

As a friend (and I use the word sparingly) has threatened to get this out before me, I may as well reveal that I am currently working on a diet book in honour of my losing nearly 20 kilos in weight in the last twelve months.

It’s gonna be called “Eat Shit and Diet” (unless that’s already been done).

What was my secret, you may well ask?

Avoiding junk food, mainly, and realising that I don’t actually NEED three meals a day.

But that’s not enough to fill a sure-to-be-a-smash-hit-and-if-it-isn’t-I-will-gorge-myself-to-death diet book, is it?

It’s just one sentence. And, looking back at it, it isn’t even an actual sentence at all- it’s just a fragment.

So, the first in a largely (as in fattily) satirical series of diet plans guaranteed that you TOO will see the pounds slip away (or dollars if you are purchasing on the USA Kindle site), here’s my first extreme diet suggestion:


Yes, well, why not? Even though arse germs are kind of germy, poop has enough nutrients left in it (possibly) to fill the belly and, well, look- it didn’t do the Human Centipede any harm, did it?

It’s probably best to have this served cold with a salad and legumes rather than try to bake or fry it or anything.

You can’t polish a turd, we all know that.

However, you CAN bake it in the oven, though your housemates will doubtlessly disapprove.

Your chances of contracting a bacterial infection are very high, of course, but once you have recovered enough to be weighed by the doctors, who will no doubt section you under the Mental Health Act (hospital food is slimming too- top tip!), you will find that a saline drip up your nose for a week or so and just vitamin pills or whatnot (I’m not a doctor or anything- please DO NOT TAKE ANYTHING HERE AS MEDICAL ADVICE (I am instructed to say this by my attorney))  is guaranteed to have a dramatic effect on your physique and inability to look people in the eye.

No, don’t THANK me for this. Just buy the fucking book when I get up to 20 of these spurious mindfucks and have added enough padding paragraphs to hawk it to Random House.




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  1. Too late for you, I’ve already written the book. “Fit For Free Forever” It contains all anyone without serious medical problems will need to lose the weight and keep it off. It also contains exercise tips, and recipes.

    Best of all, it’s free. an email to will get you a .PDF copy. I wrote this for my members at my Nautilus and martial arts facility. SO I do know what I am doing.

    No “miracle diets, no expensive foods, and no trick exercises. Just plain talk backed up with references to verifiable facts.

    You can read an excerpt from this book at:

  2. Thanks for the genuine tip which boils down to- yep, eat less and do some exercise.

    Turns out “Eat Sh*t and Die(t) has already been done anyway- it’s a book about intermittent fasting:

    But does it recommend being kidnapped, moving somewhere where the food is inedible, contracting intestinal parasites or crystal meth as sure-fire weight loss solutions?

    No, it does not. Neither do I, to be honest. But I’m going to anyway.

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