Five Things You Never Knew You Never Knew About Three Things You Never Knew About Kim Kardashian’s Bum

1. Even though Kim Kardashian’s bum has been on TV and everything, it is still much like many other bums in that it is an excretory orifice through which all farts and turds come out.

2. Even though Kim Kardashian’s ass is being held up as the pinnacle of 21st Century American culture, it still essentially exists to stop Kim Kardashian falling into the toilet.

3. Kim Kardashian’s bum should not be confused with Kim Kardashian’s ass. They are two completely different things. Her ‘bum’ is actually a homeless guy called Tony whom she stumbled across one day when he was dumpster diving and she was being both pointless and pursued by a pot pourri of pepporoni papparazzi (deep pan). She fed the papparazzi to Tony who has since been at her complete and merciless mercy.

4. Kim Kardashian’s ass should not be confused with Kim Kardashian’s bum. While the latter is a homeless guy called Tony, the former is a hybrid donkey-horse that is both intelligent and strong, therefore ideal as a beast of burden, yet sadly sterile. She uses the ass to pull around a trailer of otherwise immobile and pointless pepporoni papparazzi so they can repeatedly take photos of her bum.

5. Although the focus on Kim Kardashian’s derriere may spell the decline and fall of Western Civilisation, at least it will prevent- for Kim, anyways- a decline and fall into even the widest of toilet bowls. Except those squat ones they have in Asia.

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