God Shave The Queen

GLASGOW, SCOTLAND - JULY 24: Queen Elizabeth II visits the Tollcross International Swimming Centre during day one of the 20th Commonwealth Games on July 24, 2014 in Glasgow, Scotland. (Photo by Michael Schofield - WPA Pool/Getty Images)

(London, England) Centuries of Royal Protocol were overturned this week when Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth, visiting some hospital or something, revealed to astonished dignitaries what until now had remained one of the British monarchy’s most closely-guarded secrets. For the first time since the early 1940s, Elizabeth Windsor is as smooth down there as the voice of professional sycophant Nicholas Witchell, whose soporific tones now take up the story:

“Of course, we all knew Her Majesty was growing increasingly agitated by her grey, tangled undergrowth. Palace sources had suggested she was planning to go Brazilian but this horrified Prince Philip who, as we all know, really hates foreigners despite being one himself. Instead, he insisted on a fully shaven haven so he’d no longer have to pick pubes from his yellow, crooked teeth after performing ceremonial duties on the vag of Her Maj .

“It is still unclear whether heir to the throne HRH Prince Charles plans to follow in his mother’s footsteps. Sources close to the Prince suggest it had always been his intention to one day display the crown jewels without tufts of matted crotch hair getting in the way. However, it has long been known that Camilla, Duchess of Cornwall, insists on hairiness around the member of her beloved; together with hooves, a saddle and the ability to canter.”

At the appointed time for the Royal unveiling, the Queen cut the ribbon with a dignity that  moved the assembled whoreds who applauded the smoothness around the Royal box as her labia slowly unfurled to just above her knees like a ball-less scrotum- a length testament to her decades of unceasing work on behalf of the nation.

Not everybody was impressed by Her Majesty’s tireless pubic service, however. Vile Scottish cunt Frankie Boyle angrily tweeted

@Elizardbreath I still wouldn’t fuck you you old hag.

The tweet was soon deleted followed by the appearance of Mr Boyle’s head on a spike at Traitor’s Gate.


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