God vs Atheists

Some people think that God exists while others cling to the view that there is no Supreme Being and we are all alone in a universe whose only meaning lies in meaninglessness and whose only point, in the final analysis, is its complete lack of purpose, point or reason. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Write at least 250 words.


Bibliophiles, Bilble-thumpers and Buxom Blondes Beware!

The normally tranquil Hay-on-Wye Book Festival is reduced to chaos by the sudden appearance of an enormously mutated Richard Dawkins running amok. His frame enlarged at least five-fold by the weird and uncanny effects of constant, concentrated atheism, Dawkins thunders down Hay’s narrow streets, obliviously trampling book lovers who get in his rational way and nearly giving Stephen Fry an attack of the vapours.

Can Cyborg Theologians race against time, depth and width to build a rag-tag army of famous people called Christian to Reboot the Church so it can then Reboot Dawkins right in the bollocks then stamp down hard again and again on his head until his brains are just semolina squishing out his ears?

That had been the plan, of course- but that was twenty years ago in the yet-to-be made confusing sequel prequel that postulated an alternative timeline in which neither reality was really real but both were just a dream.

But now that dream has become a nightmare.

Twenty long years have passed and God is pissed.

This time, can He build the ultimate device / weapon / ideology / belief system / social structure / or whatever else He decides on doing to finally finish his fiendish foe?

And if He can’t, He’s not much of a God then, is he?



What’s more, if God really exists everywhere, then we’d literally keep tripping over him wherever we went. As we don’t, therefore there is no evidence of his existence.

At least we have evidence of Richard Dawkins’ existence, through articles, books and the horrific ongoing slaughter of book lovers at this year’s Hay-on-Wye Festival. So that’s 1-0 for the Athiests.

Dawkins also only appears in one place at any one time so can be run away and hidden from- with a little luck and timing. To be frank, he is shockingly mutated by now, his form changing at a giddy rate that redefines the very definitions of evolution.

So if you’re caught up in the fray, you have as much chance of Dawkins being bewildered by his new, uncanny powers as by him suddenly realising their full destructive effects.

So, that’s 2-0 or a Draw, then, depending on how you look at it.



“Can I suggest for the Reboot of The Bible that they make Jesus the son of a carpeter instead of a carpenter? This would be more relevant to today’s climate of flat-pack self-assembly furniture. And they’d only have to remove a few ‘n’s.”

Christian Bale, aka Batman


“For the Reboot of the Bible I reckon they should change Pontius Pilate into Pontius Pirate.

That would be great for all sorts of pirate-related nautical riffery.

Also, they didn’t have planes in those days anyway, so how the hell could Pontius have even BEEN a pilot?”

-Cristian Vogel, Technoist


“It would be brilliant if the Christianity 2.0 Update gives us an option for Christmas every year, but then Easter every four years like the Olympics. Both are, let’s face it, dreadful.

That way, Jesus will get to enjoy His own birthday along with everyone else right up to the ripe old age of three- He might even get some better presents to play with than boring old gold, frankincense and myrrh!

THEN they can crucify Him. Whatever.”

-Christian Dior, Fashionist


“It makes me laugh that they’re still calling it the ‘New’ testament when they haven’t bothered to update it in centuries. A truly ‘new’ testament for the 21st Century would have to all be in emojies. And come with a prescription drug of some kind.”

-Christian Slater, Poor Man’s Jack Nicholson


We will update this important page AS SOON AS we receive more replies from other famous people called Christian and their insights into sparking a spiritual awakening in a society of cynical solipsists. Let’s hope they’re good ideas, for God’s sake (but keep in mind about 50% of famous Christians are footballers) because Dawkins’ looks set to dominate the debate once again, having at this actual moment broken all God’s finger bones with just a toffee hammer marked ‘LOGIC‘.

God desperately needs the help of all people called Christian right now.

He urgently needs scientists and so on called Christian to develop modern real-time sophistry defence systems calibrated precisely on the tissue of lies on which modern history rests if he is to stand a chance in this rematch grudgematch to the deathmatch.

Meanwhile, Dawkins has peppered the entire arena with land-mines made of logic and bang and is looking, in the words of the traditional English phrase, ‘Smug as an Oxford Cunt’.



If YOU are a concerned person called Christian who just might help God turn the tide, call us now urgently.

Use some kind of phone device though because this close to the terror-strewn streets of Hay-on-Wye it’s hard to hear anything above the frenzied shouting.

Or better still, send an SMS.

You can also contact us by desperately trying to reach Hay-on-Wye in time and in person to save God from Dawkins and- who knows- even Dawkins from himself.

It would make pretty good footage also, which could definitely be an option if we don’t hear from anyone else called Christian who is actually famous.


A heroic quest to get to Hay-on-Wye against seemingly impossible odds- a bit Lord of the Rings but with mainly traffic jams instead of orcs as people try to leave the area.

We could use that if all we get from the footballers is a load of scribbles and/or poster paint potato prints.


But you have to act URGENTLY.

And you have to ACT NOW.


You too can join the hallowed ranks of famous people called Christian, whatever the outcome, so long as we use your footage.

If it ends up God is Dead and Dawkins kills him, the battle will bother him quite badly no matter how much he goes blah blah logic. He may even end up quite tetchy.

If it ends up God is Not Dead, He could just be pretending to be dead and Dawkins will never know- because God is invisible and everywhere. Dawkins will never be any the wiser, oh no.

But God will know (if he exists). And Dawkins will die. God can wait.

I could go on like this, but you get the point.






Yes, there isn’t one.

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