If That God

If that God is so short of money he has to go scrounging every Sunday, maybe he should try selling the Books of The Bible separately to his poor parishioners instead of just flogging them all in one expensive volume.

Lets face it, most of the Books are either tedious or have stories that end up going nowhere (I’ve done zero research for this post).

However, I’m sure there are many out there who might be tempted by a bargain deal on one or two of the Books that aren’t entirely tedious and/or self-serving. That whacked out end-of-the-world one, perhaps, or that thing with the Ark.

Come ON, Jesus- sort it out!

This isn’t the only thing I think God’s missing a trick on, so I’m going to write the rest of this piece as a list.

I hear people read those on the internet.

I hear, some people- that’s all they read.

  1. Pages of the Bible, whether sold separately or in whole should come with gummed edges. This will add blasphemy to the list of crimes committed in the humble act of smoking a joint
  2. God could do some sort of deal on the church communal wine. Like an ‘all you can eat’ buffet, I think you should be able to go back for as many sips and wafers as you want. It might make the service a bit longer, but if you’re the church-going type you probably don’t have a lot else going on so won’t mind too much.
  3. In a post-hipster world, Jesus is just seeming a bit too fluffy. Gone are the days when ‘trump’ just meant farting and breathing in a bad smell. Now ‘Trump’ means ‘Putin’ and unleashing Nuclear Hell. The Revelation of St John fits perfectly into the apocalyptic dystopia into which we have all blundered. Plus they can do the monsters dead cheap with computers these days.
  4. They could sell the Bible Books separately at a steep discount- get the buyers wanting more then jack up the prices. I know I made this point at the start of the article but it wasn’t in a list then. I also wasn’t then making allusions to the use of hard drugs at the time.
  5. God really needs to sort out the catering arrangements in Heaven. Muslims get a load of shagging but Christians just get Ambrosia. Having tried both their rice pudding and semolina- they’re not too bad enlivened with a blob of jam. That’s about the best thing I can say about them.
  6. God should have more kids- even another Son would be nice and revive interest in this flagging brand. Look at the British Royal Family- ten years ago they were practically incapable of maintaining their human form yet now, thanks to babies, they are once more able to maintain sufficient credibility to continue in their abominations.
  7. God could go backwards and turn into a doG. That would be awesome to watch. Remember the transformation scene in An American Werewolf in London? a bit like that.
  8. I’m sure I have some other points. If you do also, please add them and I’ll make sure He gets to see them. I don’t want to bother Him too much so will hold off on this for a while (despite him seemingly doing nothing for over 2000 years).


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