Ever since Galilleo lifted his telescope to his eye every single person ever has wondered about exactly what he saw. Out there. Certainly Galilleo refused to confirm or deny whatever he was ogling at except that maybe he did. [Google this bit].
What we do know is that whatever Galilleo saw was, according to that band Queen at least, both ‘figaro’ and ‘magnifico’, words which sound a bit Italian. Then came all the woah woah woahs.
Some modern day people are convinced that the world is round because love makes the world go round and others cling to the view that it is flat and sour like the dregs of lager left in a can overnight as they stagger to their wank pits and collapse into a congealing pool of carroty sick.
Peering unpityingly at the anals of History, we can see [if we can be bothered to google it] that the Earth was believed, by people, to be flat for literally ages before some person, I’m not sure who, [need to google this bit as well] had the notion that rather than flat it should be round. It might have been Galilleo who did that, it might not. The lyrics of Bohemian Rhapsody are almost wilfully obscure and Freddy is long since deady and not around to ask after his unflinching stint ploughing through the anals of the seventies and eighties.
As people became more sure we were stood on a big ball of rock and not a giant turtle or anything, a series of smash hit songs were penned with words that said that, yes, our world was spherical after all: ‘Love Makes the World Go Round’; ‘Money Makes the World Go Round’ and, of course, ‘Tie a Yellow Ribbon Round [the Old Oak Tree]’. Nobody wanted a flat Earth anymore. Flat Earth was for losers and girls. [insert some facts here].
But in this modern age, thanks to the wonder that is the World Wide Web and the downright mentalness of many people when not taking their meds regularly, we are slap bang back in an epoch where braying hordes try to shrilly convince their Facebook friends that the world is flat by means of youtube videos and a staggering refusal to engage with reality.
This flat Earth could almost possibly be the truth. Or could it?
Or could it?
Or could it?
Or could it?
Some argue that the Earth certainly seems flat. Except for the hilly bits. And the mountains. And the valleys too. And under the sea. Anywhere not Norfolk, basically.
But does this really mean that the world on which we strut and fret is actually flat or round or whatever, or could it even be some other shape entirely, like oblong?
Imagine if you will an ant the size of something quite a lot smaller. Put it on a tennis ball and it will believe it is scurrying over a flat surface that repeats itself every so often, much like the backgrounds did in Scooby Doo. Ant is happy enough [or possibly depressed: it’s hard to tell really] just going about its day doing its anty thing and dreaming its anty dreams. For him [or her- again, hard to judge-] it is like whatever and really one big, long meh.
But zoom out and from our perpective we can see that the ant is crawling on a green hairy ball that dangles like a syphilitic unibollock in a big old universe of other stuff. But is this also a reflection of the world at large [or at any size, really] and where’s the ant gone? Did it top itself or just fall off?
Well, tonight for once and for all we’re going to sort out this whole flat/round Earth quandary with a thrillingly interactive quiz you can post the results of on facebook, doubtless winning the admiration of all and sundry, far and wide. And flat.
Join us and indeed click the series of searching questions in a quest to discover the shocking truth about all of the above.
The World at Large: Is it Flat or Round or What?
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Question 1 of 6
Is a Yorkshire cap flat?Correct
Yes it is flat.Incorrect
I wouldn’t worry. They’re only Northeners.
Question 2 of 6
Is a witch’s tit flat?Correct
By all accounts witches tits are flattened and aerodynamic to help reduce drag during broomstick flight.Incorrect
If they had big bouncy Bristols, they wouldn’t be witches in the first place. They’d be in porno films in the first place before gradually moving onto witchcraft as their mammaries shrivel and shrink like the balloons of Christmases Past.
Question 3 of 6
Is ‘apartment’ a posh word for ‘flat’?Correct
Question 4 of 6
Is your spare tyre flat?Correct
For God’s sake- or Dawkins if you’re an athiest- always ensure your spare tyre is adequately inflated before attempting long car journeys. And never mix radial with cross-ply, whatever that is.Incorrect
Safety first, safety second and safety in all the other places stretching out as far as the nearest garage.
Question 5 of 6
Is a pancake flat?Correct
Not the way I make them.
Question 6 of 6
Is the Earth flat?Correct
There we have it- pretty conclusive proof that the Earth is round after all.Incorrect
That’s it, I’m unfriending you. You’re a moron.