Noel Edmonds #4

People say, “So Noel. You walk the walk these days, dude. Pretty much everyone now agrees that, despite the beard, you are the only member of Radio 1 FM in Medium Wave’s original line-up not to be on the sex offender’s register. Except Tony Blackburn (for now, at least).  And me old mucker DLT, of course- an INNOCENT man. Nearly.

They say- “hey there, Noely, so you’ve made the first ever seventh television comeback for someone with no obvious talent, except piloting helicopters. And you wrote that book on Cosmic Ordering and the Awesome Power of Numbers, still available in selected branches of The Works.

“What’s it all about then? What do numbers really mean and how can I use them for my own selfish ends?”

To that, I say do me a favour and go buy the book.

But if I can, I will just introduce a basic concept here and use it as a patronizingly simplistic analogy to Cosmic Ordering that may just be disguising its vacuous core or crystallising its brilliant complexity (you can read it both ways- just like the word ‘bottom’ but hopefully not as unintentionally LOLworthy.)

So, imagine you’ve got this floor which you chuck your clothes on every night. Sure, they’re probably Primark or charity shop, so what difference does a little mess make to your self esteem? It’s negligible.

But you keep adding to that mess day by day, throughout your life, and sooner or later you’re gonna lose your house keys, self respect, a small pet or family member and that’s what Cosmic Ordering is not.

Cosmic Ordering is, in fact, the exact opposite.

But let me persist with this for just a while longer, prole:

You cannot get a really good Cosmic Ordering done unless and until you submit yourself to the Awesome Power of Numbers.

Numbers rock my socks.

You think about letters: well, they’re rubbish really. Despite that catchy song (not as good as anything by Brown Sauce, obviously) there’s only twenty-six of them.

Numbers, by contrast, go on way, way longer.

The biggest number in the world is currently unknown and nobody has ever successfully counted up to it. Yet.

One huge number I love is the number of miles I have driven along Bristol’s bus lanes in my own taxi- with inflatable sex doll passenger in the back- allowing me to shave several minutes off my commute to the Deal or No Deal studio each day.

An even bigger number I have personally counted to was when I was calculating royalty payments on my awesome book about Cosmic Ordering.

So I was quite frankly flabbergasted that, even with tons of experience with big numbers, Endemol cheated me out of hosting the pilot of their new media property- ‘Who Wants To Count To A Million’? They’d given it to bloody Steve Wright In The Afternoon instead after pretty much telling me it was in the bag. Bastards!

Well, whatever. I couldn’t give a flying fuck.

They’ll soon come crawling back when they get complaints about how ugly he is.

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