Our barely-literate Man in Phuket writes…

so i got asked what cultural stuff i been doing in thailand… think i went past a temple the other day… or it may have been the Novotel…other than that, it’s been shrugging off the ping pong show touts mainly who act like there actually may be a ping pong show going on somewhere… it’s that one where ping pong balls get fired from a lady’s doodah rather than just watching a game of table tennis. Because as a form of drunken transgressional entertainment, watching people playing ping pong just doesn’t cut the mustard…

and for days I kept saying no, no, no, no thank you. finally I said “oh, huh, ok then” to some tout, lured in by the offer of a free show all evening so long as I buy a minimum of 1 drink … so I go in and there’s an empty stage with all these bored looking girls with numbers on, and all suddenly springs into life with the arrival of their first customer … so I order a Beer Chang and they tell me it’s 2000 Baht (about 40 quid!) so I laugh & say no way … they say “hey hey! no problem! floor show start now.. ok!”

a semi-obese woman in her mid to late fifties hobbles asthmatically up onto the stage, hitches up her skirts, grunts and then shits out a dazed-looking goldfish, which plops into its waiting bowl in a clearly traumatized state… entertainment for the dangerously psychotic, perhaps, but not the ping pong show as advertised. the one with the ping pong balls.. anyway.. so i go to leave… one or two of them say “why you go now? is coca cola show next” … i thought- shit- if it’s the same coca cola routine they were touting 12 years ago- and if its the same woman as the goldfish routine then i simply do not wish to see her humiliating herself on a cheap conjuring trick, just for an audience of one- 


the coca cola bottle trick is hardly up to the standard of a david blaine illusion, I grant you, excepting the fact they’re both performed by cunts.

it’s one of those tricks that’s kinda novel due to the unexpected use of a common or garden object- in this case, the lady bits, juxtaposed with something that you wouldn’t normally expect to appear coming out of a doodah (e.g flags of the world, a caricature of amy winehouse, the last remaining shreds of dignity); in this case, it’s a jet of what looks exactly like coca cola being squirted into an empty coke bottle with not one drip dropped…maybe; the coca cola bottle trick is a bit like a soda stream, except a fair bit ruder (taste-wise they’re probably about evens) …

so i figure i gotta get the fuck out cos it’s crap.. and the original tout tries to grab me, saying I owe for beer … he (or it might be she, tbh) says I opened the beer and now I gotta pay and yadda yadda yadda. the beer wasn’t opened (nor had it been chilled either) I run like the wind, children, if the wind had had about 5 pints and a couple of tequilas… and for about 400 metres i have this tout still grabbing onto my T-shirt until I manage to get away…

the moral of the story is – avoid “Money Night” in Patong. … 

in fact, why not save the money you would have wasted in a hole like Money Night by simply buying some ping pong balls (or stealing some) so you can have your very own “ping pong show a go-go” in the comfort of your own home. or somewhere else. 

(1) a set of ping pong balls; 
(2) a vagina (or easy access to one); 
(3) the ability to queef on demand and in a controlled and safe manner (this is so you don’t accidently pop someone’s eyeball with a dart when you’ve graduated to balloon bursting); 
(4) Practice! Practice! Practice! 

… and when you’re ready, invite friends*, family*- everybody* in to witness the poetry of ping pong a go-go 








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