Starship Poopers

For those who have yet to find a use for the slo-mo function on their iPhone: From the right kind of angle, a bowel movement can be quite epic. Combined with an orchestral soundtrack, it’s a lot like Kubrick’s 2001 […]

Musical Doof

Somewhere out there tonight, Musical Youth are gigging. A back room of a pub in Slough or a lock-up garage in a South London back street. Now re-badged Musical Middle-aged People, the lies they told on Blue Peter have taken their […]

Them Greeks

If I were them Greeks, I wouldn’t want to waste what little money I had on smashing plates at weddings. I’d buy plastic ones that could be thrown and used again for future festivities.

Buffering

I’m currently adjusting to life in Saigon. Weird, crazy shit has happened but I haven’t had sufficient distance from events to create a satisfactory narrative- and I think that’s one of the things a reader craves. Nor have I thought up […]

If That God

If that God is so short of money he has to go scrounging every Sunday, maybe he should try selling the Books of The Bible separately to his poor parishioners instead of just flogging them all in one expensive volume. Lets […]

Bananas in Pyjamas

Bananas in pyjamas* are coming down the stairs. Bananas in pyjamas are chasing teddy bears.   This rather begs a question: how do they ensure their pyjamas don’t fall off during these activities with no obvious limbs to hold their […]

Dear Drear Shakespeare

If that William Shakespeare still wants people to go see his plays, he should cut down on all the words for one thing. A lot of those soliloquys could be done just with camera angles these days with maybe a […]

Flights

Why is it when you take a flight on a plane it’s easy and you don’t have to do much except sit back and relax yet when you take a flight of stairs it’s really strenuous and you might need […]

Bye, Mutie!

More Hollywood Babble-on: Dexy’s Midnight Runner’s Kevin Rowland is remaking his top 80s hit ‘Come On Eileen’ as a Bukkake video for the Japanese retro crowd. No word yet on whether the original Eileen will reprise her role but let’s […]

Mo Fo

UK Election: If only Mo Mowlam had been born ‘Mo Fowlam’, her tabloid name would have been ‘Mo Fo’. She probably wouldn’t even be dead in that reality- she’d be Prime Minister. Her campaign slogan could have been “Mo Fo, […]

Between Myselves

I wish my evening and morning selves could agree on who does the tidying up as neither wants to. My current night self is thinking “Why should I?” even though it’s the one who made the mess. No wonder my […]

More International Audience

To gain a more international audience, I was going to start posting in Spanish as well as English. But then I remembered I don’t know any Spanish. I don’t know any Spanish people either. Or even Hispanics.

Fat People

Fat people used to be great!- remember Shirley Crabtree (Big Daddy, of course) and Hattie Jacques? They spellbound the nation with their entertaining ways. These days it seems all fat people want to is just sit around with diabetes watching […]