Shredded Wheat

As I said before, I don’t have much to say that is sage-like. Therefore I’m just going through the other herbs in that Simon and Garfunkel song. Parsley was first, then I’ve skipped out Sage entirely so we’re up to Rosemary now (and what a fragrant beauty she is, adding a woody complex character to either a roast dinner or pregnant with devil baby scenario).

I gave all my secrets away like a right cunt in that other blog post. I could go back and delete it but what if someone, somewhere reads it one day and is transformed- their life changed utterly- without me getting a penny from it? Would they even think again of this grotesque corner of the internet (assuming they hadn’t bookmarked it)? And say they followed my advice- would they now be stuck randomly again in yet another city / country shake-up? Or dead, perhaps? Or even- it pains me to think it- doing better than me?

I could have done an ebook or cult or something from that Parsley post- even got my dick sucked by addled groupies, had I planned it more carefully. I should have teased it all out after a twitter pre-launch where GPS co-ordinates spell out certain words and phrases based on sunlight falling on patterns of twigs. Some kind of finale then- a golden rabbit pulled out of Toby Young’s arse on live TV by Ant and Dec. Instead I just banged it out and hit save, only later thinking, “Hang on this is at least as profound as ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ and sprays milky dollops of empowerment all over the entire range of ‘Chicken Soup for the Soul’ Books.”

But there is so still much HUGE DEEP wisdom left inside me. It’s like a tickle or a bit of a hiccup that wants to come up but this time it will not just all spurge out everywhere like a fratboy attempt at downing a bottle of Jaegermeister in one. Instead, I will hack it up heave by heave.

These incredible life hacks I’m retching up now, if followed, are guaranteed to force you to change your life, your underwear or just your seat on the bus.

THIS time, having moved into the element of Rosemary, I am working this shit. One tip at a time. It will be so fucking ’Noooooo way!!!’ for you the reader (but totally ‘Waaaaaaaay!’ at the same time), you’ll start to get a deep urge to pay for VIP extra access- an urge dull and throbby at first like an experimental flick to the balls,  but then building like a besotted blancmange of blimey into a monster midnight feature that’s ten parts roll-a-COASTER and five-eighths COAL-a-ROOSTER!

Choose from one of the following two options:

____ You’re the kind who wants to get one over on others and are always looking for genuine ways to get what you want and won’t let anyone get in your way

OR

____ You’re the kind who’s always letting others walk all over on you and you’d like to STOP being a doormat, if that’s obviously okay with everyone

 

SINGE UP NOW

 

premium members offer!

 

LIMITED TIME ONLY

 

with a clock going down in the corner of the screen, I promise to send subscribers exclusive and life-changing hacks each and every week in exchange for your credit card details.

The course starts off well with paradigm-shifting stuff like

“A long German sausage product, firmly attached, makes an ideal makeshift wheelbarrow tyre for very light loads”

and

“An old-fashioned calculator turned upside-down can be made to say ‘BOOBS’, “SHELLOIL” and “HELLO”.

-It’s the kind of inside knowedge that will change everything forever, basically, so long as I don’t lose all interest in the whole thing and then spend weeks where the only worthwhile hack I can think of suggesting to subscribers is straight down the arm veins in the rented filled bathtub of a cheap hotel. Of course I wouldn’t write that at all because it would be way too negative for what is, at least from the outset, supposed to be a course in self-actualisation.

The exclusive course preview below should help you decide whether to part with your hard-earned cash (yes, you should).

TODAY’S KNOW LEDGE NOM NOM:

_____

Never Eat Shredded Wheat

WHY

There are times where, even in this interconnected multi-modal dungeon of mediocrity, it is crucial that we know the names of the points on the compass and what order they might go in. I’m struggling to find specific examples here and I’m the one writing this. Perhaps you can think of one here and we can round this bit off with a mutual bit of wry reminiscence.

There were some thick twats though for whom a compass was just something they might casually use to stab another kid’s hand with in Maths class, finally glad it’d had some use besides seldomly drawing a circle.

The former kind of compass, however, just like the ones at school, makes a circle all around you: think that you are the spiky bit jabbed in the middle and all around you, as far as you can see, is that circle.

Because circles go all the way round, before the points of the compass were invented, trying to head in any specific direction rather than just round and round was a nightmare. Important business meetings were missed, jumble sales didn’t happen and people became very late for their tea.

Then one day, or night actually, something very unexpected happened. Somebody starting shouting, “My God! Why don’t we just say the North Star is in the North and work it out from there!”

That original pioneer, not content with just round and round, strode forever Northwards into, if not history, then at least geography.

The identity of this first Northern strider is sadly unknown but it can be speculated that one of their legs would have been slightly longer and flappier than the other due to constant circular movement before the big North Breakthrough. Despite striking out for due North, it is perhaps a sobering thought that our intrepid interloper into two-dimensional directional matters might have actually been listing very slightly North-North-North-West or even North-North-North-East.

This mild listing, unfortunately uncorrectable at the time via slight orthopaedic shoe, has possibly led over time to the huge distance now seen between Magnetic North and Actual North.

Soon after that great amble North, others also traipsed off in different directions and came back with names that would forever change the World: “East!”, “South!” and “West!” were so right there at that time that they even gave rise to all kinds of other compass points trying to get in on the act. ‘West’ was quickly joined by North-West, West-North-West, North-North West and North-North-North-West. This happened for the other compass points too- I just don’t want to write about it here as even that bit about ‘West’ was quite tedious.

Everything was suddenly straight lines and just spinning round and round and round was now seen as pants, except by little kids. Things have remained like this until this day.


 

HOW

There’s the why, but how to easily remember what goes where on the compass? Oh, sure we all know it starts at ’North’ but where does it go from there?

Friends, there are two ways to remember this. Both can be effective, but only the second way will help prevent Alzheimers, cellular mutation and bleeding from the ass.

 

METHOD ONE

Remember the following:

 

Naughty Elephants Squirt Water

 

Woah there one second, Ron, you say. ’Naughty Elephants What What’?

Okay, there’s a hidden message in there. Instead of ’Naughty’, substitute the word ’North’. Carry on round. Pretty cool, eh!

THE DRAWBACK

Problem is that all elephants squirt water, not just naughty ones. It’s as much part of being an elephant as having four knees or an irrational fear of mice. Once you get bogged down in this kind of thinking (and you will- trust me. I’ve been there) all kinds of compass considerations will be confused and craptastic.

Plus, you’ll be bleeding from the anus.

 

METHOD TWO

Remember the following:

 

Never Eat Shredded Wheat

 

This is the method you should be following. As kids, nobody likes Shredded Wheat so that natural aversion to stuff that feels like straw and tastes like nothing is enough to hook a sense memory onto the points of the compass at an early age.

Adults may also want to keep in mind, and not just when thinking about the compass, that to ’Never Eat Shredded Wheat’ means avoiding an enormous amount of Monsanto Glyphosate in every unappetising mouthful.

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3 Comments

  1. Have you ever tried the honey nut shredded wheat? It’s pretty palatable, bordering on rather good… I stay away from the stuff nowadays as it’s made by Nestle.

    The Parsley advice was mint, by the way (geddit?!)

    • No, and it’s to my undying shame I hadn’t even considered the honey nut ones but then neither did the people who made up that compass thing or we’d all be hopelessly lost by now. And here we are. And they may as well, frankly.

      Had muesli not been on sale during my time in Myeik, I don’t know what I’d have done. (hyperbole- I’d have probably just made toast.)

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