Remember me? Of course you do, if you’ve paid even the slightest attention to important people at any stage in the last oh, I dunno, twenny thirty years, yeah, something like that?
And I know how amazed you must be by how youthful and tantastic I look in the above picture – taken just moments ago before I embarked on this historic broadcast to, y’know, set the record straight and stop all the rude calls for me to be hanged as a war criminal or whatever.
Salutations, salutations, salutations!
I just gotta say: the new Mind Kontrol is much more advanced now than when I was PM and pretended to show how cool I was by ‘accidently’ realising I’d turned up for Prime Minister’s Questions with a Fender Stratocaster and then blasting out ‘Smoke on the Water’ to drown out the sounds of the whingeing haters.
Some of you may remember me ‘accidently’ stumbling into the street outside Number 10 (that’s in Downing Street) with a mug that said ‘World’s Best Dad’ on it along with photos of my own children (the ones I hadn’t already sacrificed).
Of course, the whole thing could be seen as cynical by today’s standards and okay, I don’t even drink tea or coffee or anything, really, other than the blood of the exploited working class.
But hey. Nice to be here.
Those of you watching this live on SMART TVs are already no doubt smiling and bathing me with the love and admiration- but not too many questions, I hope!- that once I bathed in as my birthright- and- err- gosh- it’s quite amazing how today’s advanced Mind Kontrol techniques turns you sleepy TV peeps into putty in the hands of society’s controllers. Within seconds of flicking the remote the average viewer (i.e. not people like old clever clogs here!), is exposed to countless covert conditioning signals which scan each and every one of you plebs until the appropriate ‘programme’ assumes full autonomous control of your thought processes, speech and motor function via auto-hypnotic control.
Mind Kontrol sounds a bit complicated, doesn’t it? I suppose it might, if you ARE one of those thicky TV-addict tosspots who just signs whatever somebody tells them to but not to people versed in arcane and eldritch matters like what I am. I pissed myself (laughing) when everyone went and upgraded to HD and didn’t even stop to think about why the government would pay towards this. Then they went and got a SMART Television without reading the small print of the Terms and Conditions which actually give the TV manufacturers, police and probation services, Princes Andrew and Jedward and pint-sized crackpot Noel Edmonds ownership over any potentially valuable aspect of your sitting room and its occupants. This means that somewhere or other (the T&C again, hahaha!) you have signed over ownership of yourself and your likeness for T-Shirts, Keyrings and degrading Channel 5 fly-on-the-wall documentaries and you can even now be sued for copyright infringement- just for leaving the house!
Of course, the real reason you didn’t read before signing is that you deserve everything you get whereas I actually WROTE the T&Cs (with help from Rupert Moloch, of course) on various posh napkins when I was doing my after-dinner speaking. And though I was pretty drunk and just kidding when I put it in, I need to make one thing absolutely clear: that clause about Peter Mandelson having executive powers to fuck your children in their eye sockets until death is actually legally binding. Even dear old Peter has tired of hamsters up the arse by now and plans to get more ‘hands on’ with his Save the Children (for Peter Mandelson to skull fuck until they are dead) Fund.
So, you may think you are SMART because you have a SMART TV, but Lord Mandelson could at any time appear in his ermine finery and lube himself with your kids’ aqueous humor. And if you complain to the police or anything, YOU will be arrested!!! That certainly doesn’t SOUND very SMART, does it?!!! Ha! Ha! Ha! You dumb fucks!
What’s more, your SMART TV detects when any hardcore, softcore or solo core (that’s wanking, basically) action takes place before its pitiless sensors and pipes it to Rupert Moloch’s extensive network of tube porn and premier sites, practically guaranteeing that someone- or even everyone you know- has stumbled over the unappetising dog’s breakfast that is your frankly revolting going at it in graphic close-up action.
I don’t know who watches THAT kind of stuff cos- er- I’m not a wanker, right. And anyone will tell you that I am simply Not. A Wanker. Fair enough, Gordon Brown will tell you that I’m a wanker, obviously, but he’s just bitter that I was like the successful dinner party where each course was both timeless and delicious and he was the same meal the next morning- a great big turd that just went “Plop!” before being forever flushed.
So, I just wanna sum up, yeah, by not being sorry about anything. Of course you’re all so numbed down by your own horrific lives you can barely remember who I am by now, can you? And maybe that’s the point.
So do I get a cheque or need to send an invoice? Cos that’s £150,000 yeah and frankly you got me cheap.
I did have an invite to go clubbing instead of this. But when I found out it wasn’t baby seals I wasn’t that bothered.
SUMMARY: Computer monitors and TV monitors can be made to emit weak low-frequency electromagnetic fields merely by pulsing the intensity of displayed images. Experiments have shown that the 1/2 Hz sensory resonance can be excited in this manner in a subject near the monitor. The 2.4 Hz sensory resonance can also be excited in this fashion. Hence, a TV monitor or computer monitor can be used to manipulate the nervous system of nearby people.