Touch My Bum

How We Used to Xmas

Shockingly, this was Christmas 2003. Since then, I have long-since left the UK, HMV have gone bankrupt and the Cheeky Girls are now residing in the ‘where are they now?’ file.

Simon Cowell, on the other hand, is still ruining young lives by smugly pissing on their dreams or plucking them from the crowd then ritually subjecting them to all kinds of MK showbiz shenanigans, doubtlessly.

Before going further, take time to review this video for the Cheeky Girls’ ‘The Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)’. It is profound(ly bad).


The shopping centre near to me, once one of the most profoundly depressing retail experiences imaginable, has been slowly transformed over the last few months, to the point where identikit chainstores are moving in and getting rid of the Asian stores and shop squatters.

And so it was that today, in celebration of the opening of HMV’s 952nd London branch, and the renaming of the precinct from ‘The Wandsworth Shopping Centre’ to the funkier ‘Southside’, we were paid a visit by the Cheeky Girls.

If you don’t know who they are, the Cheeky girls are two Romanian twins who, thrust to the attention of the British public through the lamentable Pop Idol, have made a great virtue out of the fact they have no talent. Whatsoever.

I turned up about twenty minutes after they arrived and by then the crowd had thinned to a few mums and dads queueing up to get their copies of ‘Have A Cheeky Christmas’ signed.

Although I had had visions of chanting ‘You’re shit, and you know you are!’ or maybe chucking one of the bog rolls I had bought at them, when I saw them in the flesh something stopped me. Probably the security guards.

I pretended to be interested in the Alan Partridge DVDs, looking over at the girls who were both grumpy, wondering if I should ask them to sign my arse, but that would have meant buying a copy of their latest offering. And the last thing I want to do is help them get back in the charts.


The current whereabouts of the Cheeky Girls is unknown as this two-year-old link states. As for me, I’m in the jungles of south Myanmar and it’s pretty crap. Ho hum.

Where are they now: The Cheeky Girls

MORE UPDATE (and, needless to say, more pointless exclamation marks)!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How fucking sad am I, eh.

A year ago one of the Cheeky Girls was temping at York Railway Station. All part of a ‘documentary’, so we are told.

The last known pic. Looking fairly sour and harridan these days:


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